On the eve of already forgotten failure.

Oh boy, this whole coursework thing has really got me down. Don't get me wrong, english has been pretty much a breeze start to finish - I mean c'mon, writing is what I do third best! but man, this media just isn't panning out. I'm on what feels like the last day to submit this and instead of actually doing it, I'm just listening to The Pillows tracks as though this is nothing. In my defence, I have a sociology exam in like four or five hours that's probably less important but at least appears more important so I feel like I should focus on that. I don't know.

I guess the major thing isn't knowing what to do. I know what to do: Buckle down and crank out a couple more minutes of this gay video that I never wanted to make in the first place but had to since it's my coursework. But, the thing is, if I could turn back time and somehow make this not shit, I wouldn't even change what I was trying to do, it's just the constant string of bullshit and bad descisions that lead to so many fucking delays that I had to 'end production' with probably a shit ton of footage still needed, not-to-mention none of the filler footage that I kNEW I would need from the very start - jesus christ!

I guess, simply I wasn't prepaired for a project this big. It isn't really a surprise - I'd never filmed anything before, nore made a whole video + with the deadline sneaking up on me and the confusing deadline changes and, again, the random shit that fucked with production like being locked out the house that - even when resolved - fucked me for the next filming session in small ways. Even after writing all this, I know that it's a sign of my own stupidity to blame things like luck or the parameters of the task for my own failure, especially when I bet there'll be people turning up who finished the video a while ago like it weren't even tricky. I don't like to think of myself as a bad artist, especially when going through the slog of writing a short story but, I also don't like blaming things on intangible constructs that probably aren't real like luck.

I suppose I should start now, huh? My fingers keep typing so I'll keep writing. I've moved on from the pillows to Mass Of Fermenting Dregs, a great band that I think I like almost as much. It's hard to gauge because I'm listening to the World Is Yours album and that's one of the only two albums I really like - despite the band being pretty old and having a lot more shit out there. I guess it's similar to anime, I don't hesitate to call myself an anime fan or an otaku to my friends, but I've probably seen less anime than the 'normies' or whatever. I usually don't watch anime in fact. Mostly, I spend my time consuming it in a second-hand way through analysis channels and other gay shit like that - that's mostly why I limited my youtube time to 3 hours every 6 hours, cos I can't keep exploring media through someone else's shoddy exploration of that media. Now, back to MOFD...

I do really like the World Is Yours and S/T (the other album I was talking about) but, when trying to listen to there other stuff, mostly their new stuff, I just can't get into it. I don't know what it is but it just doesn't feel right to me. I feel like it's just a placebo effect, I mean I know about the band spliting up and shifting its members and stuff so maybe I've just internalised the idea that they were better or different at the start but, I dunno. It feels like I'm right, World Is Yours is the best they've done the 'new' mass of fermenting dregs couldn't hold a candle to the 'old' mofd. It's kinda like the pillows. The last song of theirs I listened to before moving on was The Last Dinosaur and oh boy was it kinda depressing hearing this guy who's like what, late thirties, trying to bring as much energy and suave as he did a decade ago. I don't blame the guy, I mean it's been years since he made the last dinosaur but... it's just sad I guess.

Oh fuck, I feel like I want to die. Lights coming in through the window so I guess times up and early morning's already almost over. It'll be 6 o'clock in twenty minuts then 6:30, in half an hour after that - fuck me, that's when I start getting ready to leave.

Well fuck it. God is gone, the world is old and my heart is bleeding out my ears.

I'm being serenaded by World is Yours (the song) so at least my ascension into hell, sounds kick ass. I'll see you in the real world and hope you're friendly.


ps. go find this shit on youtube, it's good stuff.

I'm retarded so it took me a while to figure out that S/T meant self titled, lol.

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